Take time.. to.. Appreciate.

 

Needy; So Very Needy.

Sometimes I get into the cute little moods, where I feel very little and just want to spend time with my daddy. That amazing man that makes me smile no matter what, that man that means the entire world to me, the one that.. is my everything... Lets just say, that usually when I get into these moods, I want to share everything with him, I want to play games and colour in cute little pictures, I want to be held, caressed, cuddled and loved... and sometimes real life just gets in the way and I'm left feeling mighty sad and sappy..

When I'm in these moods and he leaves me, it almost feels like I just fall apart and feel deserted, lonely and so little and lost. I know he doesn't want to go when he has to and that he loves me to bits but I just can't help feeling like that. When it's my night time and he's here with me for a few hours before going out and it's slowly getting late and I'm getting sleepy I always make sure to stay up as long as possible so that I can get as much time with him and then he has to leave and I get all sad because I can't curl up and fall asleep with him here.

I don't want to go on too much more.. might touch on this another time.. Just I and Sappy tonight.
because i love him so much.

Welcome to the Wonderland: The welcoming

Sometimes, I feel like I'm in my own little world which consists of very little. I have the most amazing imagination sometimes, especially when I'm thinking of him and...or feeling sappy. I can sit around, on a large comfy chair, all curled up as story after story slowly becomes bigger, magical. Unfortunately to this day they haven't been made a reality.

So I have this idea, it's going to consist of a few posts that will be different thoughts and ways we could spend time in the future. It could almost be like a bucket list of things we could tick off..

The Welcoming.

I've always kind of wondered what it'd be like when he came here, how very nervous I'd be as I waited for his plane to land and then for him to clear the big, long line of Australian customs. Standing in the airport, all alone as I waited for the guy that could be the love of my life to walk out from between the door.. what would happen as I saw him and if my cheeks would blush redder than ever, the thoughts that would run through my head, pondering if I should run away and leave him or run and pounce into his arms, giving him the tightest hug ever.

I could just imagine, my hands sweating as I stood there, hands curled into balls... and suddenly he walks through the doors, the largest grin appearing on my face as I wait for him nervously to reach me. To just to feel his hands on my body and his words finally being whispered into my ears as he says hello. I think I'd almost want him to hold me forever as I attempt not to faint in his arms... I crave to feel his touch and hear his words, see his beautiful smile and peer into his blue eyes.

I'd take his hand and walk him out towards the car, hopefully he'd open the door for me and I'd slide in, hoping he'd slide in next to me before looking up towards him shyly... I'd look away quickly and sit quietly as I continue to hold his hand on the car ride home. Hopefully it'd be super quick and not hugely nerve wrecking.  I've kinda trailed off a little and this wasn't supposed to be so long before I even got to my point but shortly after we arrived him I'd take his hand and we'd head off out to a journey around the city!

I'd drag his ass around for a little, show him the very little that Brisbane has in it's city before dragging him across to some parklands, I think by this stage I'd be ready to pass out so either some lunch or a quite little spot to sit in would be quite nice, maybe some time to just sit, talk and get used to one another.. cuddling up and maybe sharing a small, soft kiss! (eww)

I think I'm going to just, leave the rest to your imagination..

Lost :(

Damn it!

I'm so frustrated. I just want to write cute lovey dovey stuff and tell him how much I love him but nuuuu I lost my fucking silver necklace that has a pendant on it and also the charm my Mr gave me and now I can't find it anywhere, ever, never. I've looked high, low, up, diagonal, under, over.. and and.. and i can't fucking find it!

This makes me soooo grumpy and foggy headed.

I really hope i find it.

Everything happens for a reason, they say.

Welcome to the Wonderland: Home Edition

Sometimes, I feel like I'm in my own little world which consists of very little. I have the most amazing imagination sometimes, especially when I'm thinking of him and...or feeling sappy. I can sit around, on a large comfy chair, all curled up as story after story slowly becomes bigger, magical. Unfortunately to this day they haven't been made a reality.

So I have this idea, it's going to consist of a few posts that will be different thoughts and ways we could spend time in the future. It could almost be like a bucket list of things we could tick off..

The first wonderland thought:-

He's so magical. Sometimes, I could imagine us coming home after work one day, I'd have been home earlier so dinner would be almost ready, he'd walk in the door with a huge smile as he leaves his stuff on the bench for the next morning before giving me a kiss.. then he'd run up stairs and have a shower whilst i poured us both a drink and pulled dinner out and got it ready to serve.. I'd happily, plate the dishes and set the table and run upstairs to see if he was done. peeking around the side of the door with a cheeky grin as i watch him slowly dress.

I'd push the door open and walk in, throwing myself into his arms as i wrap mine around him and push my lips into his, my lips would slowly trail as i whisper into his year "dinner's ready". It'd be so perfect to be with him after a long day.. and finally we'd just get a chance to relax and spend time. He'd grab my hand and lead the way as we walked down the stairs into the dining room, he'd sit me down before pushing my chair in... which of course i'd give him a hard time about.. but then at least by this time we'd be able to sit down and share how each others days went over a nice meal.

It's almost like by this point i'd want the dishes to be left there so cuddles could commence but I'd get up and wash it all up, maybe even put it away if I could be bothered and then we'd snuggle on the couch for a little before bed. I could just imagine me drifting off and later waking to him saying "Sweetie, Baby.. it's time for bed my love" before lifting me up into his arms and carrying me up the stairs prior to tucking me in. It'd be magical.

Feelin' Excited.

Town house

1. a house in the city, esp. a luxurious one or one distinguished from a person's house in the country.

2. one of a group of two- or three-story houses of uniform architectural treatment, usu. joined by common sidewalls.

For the last two weeks or so, my sister and I have been looking for a town house, we have looked almost everywhere but I think we have finally come to a decision on which one will be purchased. I'm quite excited because technically it's going to be mine, although we will both work together to pay it off and then move on to the next. 

I think by doing this, purchasing a 'house' of sorts I feel really happy, to have accomplished something this large. I mean, I know it's only the beginning and the first year is going to be a bit of a rough patch but I believe it'll be great in the future.. so have somewhere to go with your man where you can call home and just be together... the ideas keep flooding into my head day after day about what we could and couldn't do with the place!

Anyways, I'm not going to ramble on too much, but the next step is deposit. Soon I'll be in debt but a step closer to moving up and further in life.

Derp.

I want to write, my brain is no where to be found.
Dead. Quiet. Numb.

Family? Nah. Immature.

I cannot for the life of me understand half my family and why they do the certain things that they always seem to do. It's like they're always out to be right and act the victim, as well as being the laziest people on earth. I don't get it. I don't get it at all and I cant for the life of me understand how, why these people make no sense to me, no matter how hard I try to figure it out.

 

 

This lovely woman/aunty of mine thinks she's always the one that's 'picked on', ignored, treated badly but I swear to god, she's the one that is always causing the drama between people in the family because her only way of looking at things is 'why me, why me' and I'm so completely over it that it's not even funny. She's the laziest person I have ever met in my life, I cannot remember the last time she helped serve food or clean at a family event. My leg was broken for six weeks and not once did she get up to help, a week ago we had a family function of 30 people and two tables were filled with cups, empty bottles, plates and she did not get up to help.

 

I mean it's fair enough, be lazy, own your laziness but be somewhat helpful. don't expect people to walk up to you and to collect your plate and not hand it to them, it's like common sense that you'd hand something to someone when you can see that they're holding a variety of other stuff. it's incredibly frustrating.. the fact that someone who has been a few weeks out of a boot is running around like an idiot cleaning because it seems she's the only one that appreciates anything anyone does. If someone's spent two days in the kitchen cooking, why wouldn't you get up to help, just to show your appreciation?

 

Life is incredibly frustrating sometimes. Lazy is one thing but other personal drama is even more annoying. The fact that this aunty plays the victim all so well pisses me off, the fact that she blames everyone for her problems pisses me off, the fact that she places her ass in a chair and does not move pisses me off but nothing irritates me more than being dragged into drama that's not mine. Don't put words in my mouth, don't make me out to be the bad one when you aren't happy with your life. Sort your own problems and have some intimate sex with your husband, don't be such a prude snobby cunt and your life would be better than it is in one day.

 

I'm just so over this stupid aunty and her pathetic games. It's ridiculous and next time it happens good luck to her.

 



Larger Than Large.

Today, I went for a bone density scan due to breaking both arms and recently my ankle, prior to me my dad had his and when I walked in he knew that the guy would have to take my weight and height so he kind of stuck around and instantly I told my dad to leave, as some things in life can be kept personal. He kind of stuck around a few minutes and then the guy saw I was getting frustrated and told him to leave a few moments earlier.. I was looking down to see the weight as he was telling me that most females look away and don't want to know, one got on backwards to make sure she didn't find out.. but I was curious and so I saw it.. I think ever since I've kind of just died inside slowly.

I can't believe how much weight I've put on, I've let myself slip so much and it's so very unacceptable in my books, it makes me really sad to know how big I am now and that I need to change it but I feel like I'm stuck in a little bubble of my own and I'm not sure how exactly. It pisses me off every time I think about it because I was so close to starting, organising a new change and on the first day I broke my ankle, 6 weeks of barely any movement, little eating but I slipped even more.

The test was done almost 5 hours ago now and until I could sit and put my thoughts down I was slowly going insane, getting angrier and sadder. It's all my fault and I take all responsibility for it but I need to start changing things now before I get as big as my dad and my life is over. There's no point suffering through life. I just hope now, seeing that I can snap out of my funk and finally move on, getting myself smaller and much happier.

Needy;

`Requiring attention beyond what is normative.

I miss you, every hour, minute, second that we aren't together.

I crave to feel your arms around me.

I want to feel your lips.

I need you.

Outings.

Today was an extended family occasion, family, family and more family. I don't really want to.. talk about the whole day as such, I mean it was nice to see people I hadn't seen in years and also the adorable little bubba.. but some things happened which kind of made me go "hmm.." and have a small internal freak out. 

Today, I told my aunt about a friend that will be coming to visit me in may, next year. Of course I used the terms loosely because I wasn't about to explain that I love this guy and that I hope to have an amazing future with him. A few times through out the day he was brought up in conversation for various different reasons but my sister mentioned something and it was almost what i'd classify things that SHOULD NEVER be said around family, especially if things aren't final and no one even knows.

It's like she magically forgets that no one knows he and I are actually together and we are just supposed to be 'friends' for the mean while. I wish I could remember what she said exactly but it had something to do with the future and how things will end up.. this is a rant and i'm so disappointed that I can't even remember what I was grumpish at.

Derp Derp Derp. 

I don't even know, I don't tell people things because they cannot keep their mouthes shut, they cannot respect privacy, they cannot stop themselves from asking a million questions per day and this infuriates me. sometimes I just want to tell people things and get no questions and not have to live up to expectations of something that could go different or not exactly how people are expecting it to be. 

I hate when people have expectations of something that does not involve or bother them. At the moment, I almost have no expectations because in life you never know what may happen, I'd love for him to fly here, to spend two weeks with me, for him to hold me in his arms but it's possible it couldn't happen and that both may freak out or money may not be available. I'm hopeful, but not expecting a huge amount as this is why i get incredibly disappointed. I don't want to be disappointed, and if I avoid disappointment we'll all be happier in life. 

This being said, I am still very hopeful and cannot wait until it's booked because I have so much hope in this, this time and that it will all be.. beautifully perfect..

Until next time.

~P

Angry

..Tread With Caution..

The anger that runs through my body, I don't believe anyone could ever understand. 

I am the unknown, the unpredictable and no one ever knows when I'll snap and why, I don't even understand myself.

I am, hard to deal with, sometimes impossible and other times I really don't understand why people feel the need to help me or stick around. I feel that I don't deserve to be happy and live my life because of the way I was brought up and the way that I have been treated through out my life. I know this is a ton of shit and it's something i'm trying to break but listening to people constantly tell you that there's nothing to look forward in, with life and other various heart breaking things it's just so hard to deal with anything.

Parents always wonders and asks why I'm so angry and I look at them like "you brought me up this way, you conditioned me and through life this is how I've learnt to deal with the amount of shit thrown at me" they never understand and I've had the conversation with them several times. all they (father) can say is that "it's your choice to live that way." Which, I totally understand but after 20 years of growing up with the same stuff and feeling as if your father is useless and can't even show by example, kind of puts you stuck in a really deep place. 

I am not, what so ever using these reasons as an excuse as to how I am because I know it's my choice to act like this and it's also up to me to change it but it's all just so hard and most of the time I feel so helpless and lost in my own head that I feel I'd just rather deal alone, suffer alone and die alone.

My head is a very, very deep, dark and scary place, sometimes even I freak out at the thoughts that run through it. Every now and then i'll think about going to talk to someone about my problems and maybe talk about ways that I could change how I react to things but I'm super skeptical about all that, in the past my moods have just changed or I've snapped out of it and it's been okay. I just fear for the people I care around me because it'd be very painful to lose some of them. I try every day to make myself a better person, but it's going to take a very long while..

Please remember, if anyone does read these, they are all from my heart, my head and the deep beyond. they are thoughts not many people get to hear and although some questions are okay (depending who you are) i will not give you every detail.


-P