Needy;

`Requiring attention beyond what is normative.

I miss you, every hour, minute, second that we aren't together.

I crave to feel your arms around me.

I want to feel your lips.

I need you.

Outings.

Today was an extended family occasion, family, family and more family. I don't really want to.. talk about the whole day as such, I mean it was nice to see people I hadn't seen in years and also the adorable little bubba.. but some things happened which kind of made me go "hmm.." and have a small internal freak out. 

Today, I told my aunt about a friend that will be coming to visit me in may, next year. Of course I used the terms loosely because I wasn't about to explain that I love this guy and that I hope to have an amazing future with him. A few times through out the day he was brought up in conversation for various different reasons but my sister mentioned something and it was almost what i'd classify things that SHOULD NEVER be said around family, especially if things aren't final and no one even knows.

It's like she magically forgets that no one knows he and I are actually together and we are just supposed to be 'friends' for the mean while. I wish I could remember what she said exactly but it had something to do with the future and how things will end up.. this is a rant and i'm so disappointed that I can't even remember what I was grumpish at.

Derp Derp Derp. 

I don't even know, I don't tell people things because they cannot keep their mouthes shut, they cannot respect privacy, they cannot stop themselves from asking a million questions per day and this infuriates me. sometimes I just want to tell people things and get no questions and not have to live up to expectations of something that could go different or not exactly how people are expecting it to be. 

I hate when people have expectations of something that does not involve or bother them. At the moment, I almost have no expectations because in life you never know what may happen, I'd love for him to fly here, to spend two weeks with me, for him to hold me in his arms but it's possible it couldn't happen and that both may freak out or money may not be available. I'm hopeful, but not expecting a huge amount as this is why i get incredibly disappointed. I don't want to be disappointed, and if I avoid disappointment we'll all be happier in life. 

This being said, I am still very hopeful and cannot wait until it's booked because I have so much hope in this, this time and that it will all be.. beautifully perfect..

Until next time.

~P

Angry

..Tread With Caution..

The anger that runs through my body, I don't believe anyone could ever understand. 

I am the unknown, the unpredictable and no one ever knows when I'll snap and why, I don't even understand myself.

I am, hard to deal with, sometimes impossible and other times I really don't understand why people feel the need to help me or stick around. I feel that I don't deserve to be happy and live my life because of the way I was brought up and the way that I have been treated through out my life. I know this is a ton of shit and it's something i'm trying to break but listening to people constantly tell you that there's nothing to look forward in, with life and other various heart breaking things it's just so hard to deal with anything.

Parents always wonders and asks why I'm so angry and I look at them like "you brought me up this way, you conditioned me and through life this is how I've learnt to deal with the amount of shit thrown at me" they never understand and I've had the conversation with them several times. all they (father) can say is that "it's your choice to live that way." Which, I totally understand but after 20 years of growing up with the same stuff and feeling as if your father is useless and can't even show by example, kind of puts you stuck in a really deep place. 

I am not, what so ever using these reasons as an excuse as to how I am because I know it's my choice to act like this and it's also up to me to change it but it's all just so hard and most of the time I feel so helpless and lost in my own head that I feel I'd just rather deal alone, suffer alone and die alone.

My head is a very, very deep, dark and scary place, sometimes even I freak out at the thoughts that run through it. Every now and then i'll think about going to talk to someone about my problems and maybe talk about ways that I could change how I react to things but I'm super skeptical about all that, in the past my moods have just changed or I've snapped out of it and it's been okay. I just fear for the people I care around me because it'd be very painful to lose some of them. I try every day to make myself a better person, but it's going to take a very long while..

Please remember, if anyone does read these, they are all from my heart, my head and the deep beyond. they are thoughts not many people get to hear and although some questions are okay (depending who you are) i will not give you every detail.


-P